We’ve dragged ourselves out of bed early to meet together as we do each week. This time, I won’t run away. I won’t shut down. I’m not sure what happened last week.

Sometimes it feels as though no one wants to speak. I wonder whether it’s pride or shame or just awkwardness. For me, it can be a combination of all three. But this morning we are sharing slowly yet openly. Fatigue, discouragement, disappointment, suffering, intimidation, and fear reside in our words, yet we share them and they become less cavernous, less consuming.

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Where was the Father when the Son was suffering?

This question guts me. It makes me say the f word in my head and shake from desperately holding back tears. I need to answer it for myself because I know where I think He is during my suffering. Not here.

But then came the resurrection. So it would be wrong of me, even evil, to say the same about Him during the crucifixion. 

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I have lost the experience of your presence. I can no longer see your face. Truths that were once sweet do not comfort me. Pour out your soul, analyze your hopes, remember the lovingkindness of God, and preach to your heart.

Is this a desert of my own making? I know what to do yet I don’t do it.

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I see you. You lie to me so often, I hardly notice. You tell me he doesn’t love me. You tell me we won’t change. You tell me hope is lost, fear is fine and comfort cannot be found. While I easily and quickly believe you, you’ve been noticed. I see you and I’m fighting you.

Sincerely not yours,

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Sometimes marriage is flinging every hurtful word just to spread pain and ensure you’re not alone in yours. Sometimes it’s throwing things when you know you shouldn’t, and doing it repeatedly. There’s that anger again, just like when you were a kid. Sometimes it’s threatening to leave because you just want the fight to end though you never meant it.

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I woke up to his alarm and jerked my head back, smashing my forehead into his. We laughed. He’d been sleeping on my pillow with me.

He left before I got up.

Later, “Hi boo. How are you doing?”

“I’m alright. Hard getting up. How do you love me this morning after I was nasty last night?”

“It’s a new day. So you get kisses. And forehead smashes.”

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