I will not be attending RISD. I have said this before but so far as I can see it, I will not be saying it again & I am at peace. The following are very personal excerpts from my journal, pieces of my intellectual and spiritual journey through this decision, and the story to tie the pieces together. Letters to God. It doesn't matter what you believe; this story is mine and I hope its transparency displays truth—objective and undeniable. There's no way I can tell this and omit God and I wouldn't want to. In the past, that notion might've scared me but I've grown and I find a bit of humor in the inescapability of it now. He knows me well.
There's a novella length version of this story with far more detail than the version below which you can read | here | and please do if your interest is piqued by what follows.
May 31, 2012
June 1, 2012
June 2, 2012
June 3, 2012
June 4 2012
June 5, 2012
I have wanted this for three years. But let's not be melodramatic. Ha, it's true though. For three in a row I've applied to Rhode Island School of Design, gotten in, and for various reasons not gone, most (re: all) having to do with money. This year was a little different in that I was battling a lack of motivation, something I hadn't run up against before. I began to sink into a pattern of inaction. With deadlines approaching much too quickly, the decision would inevitable be made by my indecision. Not smart. So I imposed a deadline. By June 3rd, at 10pm I was to have made a decision and on June 5th, RISD needed to know what to do with the deposit I had sent them to hold my place. To chase something I wasn't entirely sure I still wanted or let it go and blaze into an unknown future?
God is my all—well, I'm learning to make Him so. Naturally, my love for Him creates a desire to seek His wisdom and direction. I want my feet to fall where He places them because there is no doubt that He is trustworthy, His plan is perfect, and His love is infinite. Essentially I was daring to impose a deadline on God. Another hitch: that was the weekend of a three day photography trip to Oregon that had already been planned for some time. I stole as much time alone as I could, pressing Him for answers, praying, reading, writing, walking, and telling my warring head and heart to cork it while I waited for something clear and irrefutable from God.
At the 11th hour, 15 minutes past when I had intended to notify RISD, I had my answer. It wasn't a sudden, loud revelation but a slow, comforting swell of affirmation. I've come to know that this is how God speaks, warmly and softly rather than with a flash and a bang. It requires a step of faith to embrace which is a beautiful, albeit unnerving thing. There is a peace in hearing His voice that, as they say surpasses understanding. It's unshakable and authentic and I have it.
I realized along the way that my greatest fears is not going to RISD were losing the fame of it and becoming second best. Being a twin studying in the same field, equally competitive, and at the same skill level, things were tricky but we dealt with it well, celebrating each others' successes, each one sharpening the other. However I've come to see that that fear is not worth being chained to any longer, nor do I want to desire fame—which doesn't last and doesn't fulfill—more than my Creator.
So the Scheffe twinship is splitting up for the first time and it's sad and frightening but I have confidence we won't be separated for long. The next several years will develop two, more unique individuals only made stronger when reunited. I'll be in Seattle a bit longer than expected, but I'm kind of excited about it. I've got more dreams, plenty of them equally exciting, but we'll see where God takes me. I believe to the core of my being that in following God, one will never miss out. I'm not missing out; there's something better for me that I haven't got the foggiest idea about. Yet. There will be times when I doubt, but my feelings don't make a truth any less true. It isn't subject to my understanding. Magnificent.
I must also say I've been surrounded by amazing, wise, loving, and supportive friends (old and new) and family for whom I am extremely grateful. Not only those that have been involved in this process, but for those that will be with me when whatever happens next, happens next.
Tralala, here we go. Let’s dance.
And thanks for reading. I hope your eyes aren’t bleeding.