10.7.16

On Ruth

I want to be like her but I feel completely incapable. She is humble, expecting nothing; I am prideful, expecting everything without much sacrifice on my side. She is grateful; I am dissatisfied. She is hard-working; I am lazy and resentful of the work I must do. She takes risks; I want to stay safe and comfortable. She praises God; I question and ignore Him.

God, what am I to do? I feel stuck and trapped, confused and discouraged. It’s no wonder I feel lost, sad and alone, lingering in darkness. I haven’t spent real time with you for a while. I haven’t sought you or trusted you or obeyed you with joy, seeking to turn or grow or serve with my whole heart. I’ve expected everything with a self-serving, self-centeredness and did not even notice. I am tired of my kingdom. It’s worthless and brings me no joy.